Get Into Houa's Mind

Quarantine. Since the beginning of 2020, we've been fighting an invisible virus that has taken so much of the loved ones in our lives. You are not alone when you mourn lost loved ones. Each day, when I open up my social media platforms and I see a "RIP," my heart breaks. This year has been an eye changing year for so many of us and yet, we haven't learned anything.  I have family members who work in the health care fields and they're pleading with their upmost heart felt cries to STAY AT HOME. Hospital beds are filling up fast and when you walk in because you cannot breathe, you won't be treated right away. Beds that are meant for other patients are being taken over by covid patients. It is a frightening time in the world.  I see social platforms as you do and there are those who party like nothing has changed. Each time I am looking across my newsfeed, I am met with their photos of gatherings of more than 10 and enjoying social gatherings like no one is dying...

  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv tsis nkag siab yam koj hais rau kuv. Kuv yog koj tub, koj yog kuv txiv, tiam si, txhua yam koj hais tawm tej zaum kuv lub siab twb yuav tsis tau tag nrho. Thov koj tus ua txiv, tau taub tias kuv yeej xav ua kom koj zoo siab tshaj plaws, tiam si, vim kuv muaj kuv siab kuv ntsws, kuv yuam tsis tau tag nrho kom tau raws li koj siab nyiam.  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv tsis nyiam yam koj nyiam mog. Kuv yog koj tub, koj yog kuv txiv, tiam si, wb nyias muaj nyias kev nyiam. Koj txoj kev hauv neej yog dab qhuas kab lig kev cai, ho kuv li yog mus raws lub suab nkauj. Txawm koj tsis pom yam kuv nyiam, thov koj tsis txhob thuam tias kuv ruam yuav tsis tau noj.  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv loj hlob tsis xav tau yuav poj yuav sev. Vim kuv lub siab tsis tau pom tus kuv nyiam kuv hlub, ces kuv yuam tsis tau kuv lub cev lub siab mus hlub tus koj lub qhov muag pom zoo. Yog kuv yuav xais nws ua kuv tus tab zag, yuav yog wb txawj sib hlub, yog ts...

  It's raining today...outside of my window, I can see the white picket fence of my neighbor's and a squirrel is sitting there, dangling its tail, staring at me. I know winter is coming and so does he. He's preparing for the long winter and collecting what he needs; smart guy. Beyond the neighbor's house is the lush mountain that a week ago was all green and today is looking a mixture of crimson and orange, a flush of beautiful colors announcing the arrival of Autumn and to prove its season is here, scattered on the dying grass are leaves from the trees, reminding me to let go.  This is my new life in a brand new place in a brand new world in a brand new state. I drove the 16 hours with my husband 1,000 miles across the country to a small town called Williamsport, where it is known for lumber and a place where neighbors yell out at you, "Holler if ya'll need me!" I am home. I often wonder why it took me this long to be here.  This new chapter of my life co...

  Los mloog kuv hais...los kawm ntawm kuv...los nyeem kuv lub neej... Nej puas paub yam dab tsi mob siab tshaj plaws? Nej puas paub yam dab tsi tua tau koj ua ntej kev mob kev nkeeg? Qhov ntawm yog kev tu siab, kev khuv xim...rau yus tus kheej, rau yus txoj kev txhaum. Thaum, kuv yeej muaj ib tug tab zag zoo tshaj plaws nrog kuv, muaj lub suab luag nrog luag tej, muaj ib txoj kev zoo siab zoo tshaj luag li. Tiam si, kuv lub qhov muag yuam ke deb heev. Kuv ntshaw kom lub neej zoo, ntshaw kom caum kom cuag luag tej, ntshaw kom kuv muaj ib yam li luag. Kuv rau siab mus khws, rau siab mus caum kom tau kuv tus npau suav. Txhua txhua hnub, txhua txhua hmo, kuv mus tshoo tuag nthi tom hauj lwm, kom tau ib pob nyiaj los ua kuv lub neej kom zoo.  Kuv niaj hnub niaj hmo mus khws, tsis nco qab tias muaj ib tug neeg tseeb ceeb tshaj plaws nyob ntawm kuv ib sab uas kuv muab feeb hlov cia yam nws tsis txawj ntshaw kuv lub xub ntiag, yam kuv tsis nco tias kuv cia nws yoo kuv txoj kev hlub. N...

When my mother lay on her deathbed, she said to me, "Forgive...even in the absence of an apology. You may wonder why I have always been a happy person despite so many people who look down on me. I am happy because I forgive. And so should you." Today, I am beginning a new chapter of in my book of life. It is a chapter that has been heavy because it is filled with hurt and lies...from others. I realized that no matter how far I may go in life, to the person who does not support or love me, they will always see me as someone below them and hate me silently.  That is ok.  My journey in my life is mine alone. If they are to hate me silently, let them hate me silently. Because it does not prevent me from continuing to do all I can do.  We often tread lightly on this subject of forgiveness because most times it involves family members. But today I will tell you that if you continue to hold on to the expectation of an apology, you will find that it will never come. When my mothe...

Thawg zaug kuv ntsib Paj Zaub, kuv lub siab hloov tag ib puas tsam yam. Txij li kuv nco tau, tsis tau pom ib tug poj niam yuav txawj los deev kuv siab li nws deev. Thaum nws luag ntxhi, kuv lub plaws yuav nres. Thaum nws hais lus, kuv saib ntsoov nws daim dis ncauj. Kuv vwm tag. Kuv xav xav paub...tus nws hlub puas yog kuv? Thaum Paj Zaub niam tso nws tseg, es nws quaj yam tu siab nrho hauv kuv xub ntiag, kuv lub ncauj hais tsis tau ib lo lus los pab nws daws kev chim. Kuv tsis tau paub dua tias thaum zoo li no yuav ua cas thiaj li yuav pab tau nws. Kuv sab npab los ua nws chaw so siab thaum nws lub kua muag poob. Kuv xav xav paub...tus nws hlub puas yog kuv?  Thaum Paj Zaub tej phooj ywg tuaj nrog nws ua si ua ke, kuv saib tsis dhuav nws lub me ntsej muag. Thaum nws nrog kuv, nws yog nws ib tug. Tab si, thaum nws nrog lawv, nws txhawv lawm thiab. Kuv tau hnov nws lub suab luag ua rau kuv zoo siab tshaj plaws li. Ua txiv neej ces, xav hnov tus poj niam lub suab luag txhua ...

Lift off...the rush to the other side. As soon as I am there, I can feel a rush of calm and I know I've succeeded. I know where I am. I know what I am dealing with. My guides are never far from me and they make me understand that I must fully embrace what is about to happen.  I become...the entity, a possessed, lost and angry spirit searching for a host to thrive on. I speak in slow, disturbed verses with inhuman sound and I reek of death.  I become...the savior, a pure unified being with a sword made from iron and a white horse with wings. I speak in ancient dialect with veiled magic and I am full of life.  I become...the lost, a broken, fragile misplaced soul searching for the footprints to return home. I speak of tears, of pain, of guilt and of hurt. I am empty.  Return...return home, warrior. Ride the white horse, gather your sword and be invisible as you travel. Cross the threshold of life and don't let the dead claim what is rightfully not theirs....

Lub ntuj lub qhov muag tsis pom tias kuv lub siab quaj txhua hmo. Txhij li hnub kuv los ua koj tus niam tsev, lub neej tsis zoo li siab xav. Muab xav los cas tsis tsim nyog qhov kuv tsis mloog kuv niam lus hais. Kuv xav tias vim koj yog txiv neej es koj ib leeg thiaj li hlub tau kuv xwb. Es kuv niam thiab kuv txiv hais los, kuv lag ntseg dim muag txhua yam. Tom qab kuv qhov muag pom ke, kuv mam paub tias koj lub siab tsis yog li kuv xav. Ces cia wb muab tso tseg txhij li no. Kuv yoo koj lub xwb ntiaj txhua hmo, tsis pom qab mus qhia leej twg. Kuv nrhiav txoj hauv kev twg los zoo li tsis muaj ib txoj kev yuav pab tau kom koj tig rov hlub kuv. Tej lus koj hais yam tag los dua twg lawm? Puas yog kuv muab nqos noj ua kev lwj siab xwb? Es koj nim nqa koj lub siab mus hlub kiag lwm tus kom kuv mob siab kom kuv khib. Kuv saib hauv iav, kuv tsis paub kuv yog leej twg. Tus neeg kuv pom zoo li ib tug tub sab los nyiag tau kuv  mus. Kuv cim tsis tau xyov tus neeg kuv niam ku...

I wished my children good night and descended down the stairs to spend the evening doing inventory and invoices in my small jewelry business. Everything was normal. I was living a daily sheltered life with the joy of finally being able to provide for my family again. Although the Covid 19 was still going around me, I took caution and kept myself positive.  Then the death of George Floyd filled my newsfeed and I was heartbroken for the community. It took a toll on all of us. Images of protestors filled my newsfeed and I understood why it was happening. Years of being hurt by being different because of the color of my skin, of where I came from, of what I looked like, I understood that. I knew the pain. I lived in before and as far as I can remember, I wasn't ever accepted because of how I looked.  And then...images of burning buildings, small businesses being robbed and destroyed flooded my newsfeed and my heart broke. I can understand the pain behind wanting to protes...

          Life works in many different ways. Often times, we will find that we will be very lonely and there isn’t anyone who may understand who we are. That path is often visited too often by me and I find that it gets exhausting. I am drained and my energy just goes out the door.           When my parents passed away, I thought to myself, how will I ever move on? How will I ever have the courage to walk tall and smile? Laughter itself seemed like it was a stranger to me. I didn’t know how to function because the two people who always took care of me were gone. It left inside me a deep hole that I didn’t know how to fill. And the bigger question was what do I fill that hole with?           I remember waking up after losing my mother and thinking, she will never be here when I visit again. I will never hear her voice. I will never get to hug he...

          Marriage…it ties a man and a woman together til death do us part. You find a dress, buy a ring, and say sacred vows in front of hundreds of people, promising to love each other until the end of time. But time hasn’t ended and your union already has.           I’ve met a lot of people through the years where I knew them when they were married as a couple and then I still know them as they become single parents. Whether it was through a mutual agreement to separate or one of them stepping out to have an affair…it hurts the same. The eyes never lie and the eyes can’t hold back the truth. It hurts.           I will admit this much…my husband and I were the cream of the crop when we were dating. Everyone who knew us said we were the “it” couple. We showered each other with love and we couldn’t get enough of each other. Then we got marrie...

            Let’s talk body. Let’s be real. I’m a thick woman. I’m a real woman. I’m a woman with curves and booty. I wear a size 10. I am not skinny. I am not fat. I am happy. Leave me alone.             Did you read and understand that? If you didn’t, read it again. My body is mine to accept and love. I love who I am and I am happy with what I see. I love my curves and I love my thighs that jiggle as I walk. I love who I am.             We grow up in a world where being skinny is plastered all over social media that it is the way you should be. I know many people who have lost weight and then suddenly lost themselves in the process. It’s sad, really, to see this happen. Lose weight for the right reason. Don’t lose weight to belong. Lose weight for you not for another.        ...

Koj Niam,             Muab xav npau twg los xav tsis tawm. Kuv tsis paub tias kuv yuam ke qhov twg es thiaj li ua rau koj lub siab mus nrhiav dua lwm tus. Kuv nco, kuv tsis tau ua dab tsi txhaum. Kuv lub siab, kuv lub neej, muaj koj tib leeg xwb. Hauv kuv lub neej, koj thiaj li yog tus kuv ntshaw.             Kuv thov koj os koj niam. Thov koj cheem koj lub siab tsis txhob mus. Txawv tias luag yuav muaj nyiaj dua, luag yuav zoo nraug dua, los luag tsis yog koj cov me nyuam txiv. Luag tsis yog koj tus me txiv nraug txha noog. Luag pom koj zoo hnub no, tag kis luag yuav mus pom lwm tus.             Txhua txhua hnub, kuv nim los saib hauv iav seb kuv ua qhov twg tsis zoo. Seb kuv pauv tau kuv tus kheej li cas, seb kuv yuav hloov li cas es thiaj li tau kuv tus zoo niam tsev rov los hauv kuv xub ntiag. Tab si, kuv yim...

Koj Txiv,           Xav tsis txog tias yuav muaj ib hnub kuv yuav los zaum sau tsab ntawv tu koj moo. Nim xav, nim tu siab, vim wb zaj keeb kwm pib puag thaum ntxov los. Kuv rau rau siab sau los zoo li koj yim muab lwm tag. Kuv lub zog ntshe yuav tsis muaj ntxiv los kho kom wb zaj dab neeg muaj qhov xaus kom zoo. Ces cia kuv tso koj hnub no mus es kuv lub siab thiaj li txawj kaj.           Txij li hnub kuv los ua koj tus niam tsev, kuv lub zog kuv muab los tu koj tsev neeg, los tu koj, los tu tej me nyuam, kuv muab tag nrho yam tsis khuv xim ib qhov. Nraub hnub, hmo ntuj, ntuj teb tag hmo, txawv kuv sab thiab nkees npaum twg, los kuv ua tiag uv los tu kom sawv daws tau zoo. Kuv yoo kuv txoj kev zoo ntau xyoo ua rau koj lub qhov muag saib kuv tsis zoo nkauj. Koj thiaj li muaj lub siab mus deev lwm leej lwm tus.           Hnub no, kuv los saib k...

The walls seem to hum alive with the lies we feed each other. No matter what time of day it is, I am never hungry because I feed myself full of your lies. Your emptiness kills me slowly and when I look in the mirror, I no longer recognize who I am. The woman I see is a stranger who happens to know me all too well. You’ve taken the good in me and you stole the light from me. Yet here I am still waiting.           The clock on the wall tells me that it’s past due the time you were supposed to be home. The house is not a house, but a prison that holds steel bars to keep me inside. I have lost my way and there are no footprints left for me to trace my way back home. Friends and families I used to love become a faded memory of what used to be good. You’ve taken the youth in me and you stole the best of me. Yet here I am still waiting.           My closet tells me that nothing fits anymore becau...

            When I was a child, I spent my days in the sun playing house and family with sticks and stones. I remembered I was always the mother because I was the oldest among the bunch and I liked being able to care for others. Every time my cousins and family came over, it was a time to kick off our shoes and dance in the sun as we tried to catch up on lost time. It was the best childhood memories growing up.             I remember growing up, I had so much hope in wanting to be a star. I would sit and day dream about a handsome man who would whisk me away on a horse (yes! I was that crazy on fantasies) and take me away to a castle. I always wondered why in every single one of my dreams, I always rode on a horse toward a castle. I often thought if I was born in the wrong era and was meant to be a queen in a time of Lords and Gods. Give me a man in a kilt and sword with ...

I can hear it. I can feel it. It’s burning me. It’s meant to be. It is meant to be. The world is not safe for me anymore. I must go. I must leave. I must take this path. The flowers are slowly dying, withering away their last petals onto the cold frozen ground. It’s cold, dark and wet as my exhausted feet make the travel along this red dirt path. I know where I’m going and then I’m also lost. Everything is alive here in this place. It’s magical and wretched at the same time. I love it and I hate it. I’m scared and I’m free. Where am I?             The flesh hurts and it’s beginning to take a form unlike my own. I can see it move; life forms within a life. I’m unable to control anything that happens. As much as I want to scream, I learn my tongue has been ripped out. I’m a mute and my vision seems to play tricks on me. I see things unnatural that smile at me from behind trees. I see movements that move at the speed of a snail ...

I wake up at my usual 5 am time to get my kids ready for school and my baby girl Wysteria kicks awake, not being able to bear me being away from her. I change her diaper and settle her downstairs in the living room before I wake up the older kids for school. My six year old Azalea wakes with a bloody nose and as I help her contain it, my eight year old Maximus wakes to wash up while my ten year old Nathaniel lies in bed stretching.     The house is full of water running, toilet flushing and voices rambling on and on about who is taking too long and who isn’t doing anything. The two boys finish and my daughter brings me a brush with a tissue up her nose to keep the blood from dripping. I ask her what she would like me to do to her hair today. She shrugs and says she doesn’t know. So I brush her hair and I’m saddened that in a few years, she will not need me to do this for her. She will be able to do her own hair and not need me. I quickly finish doing her hair and w...

        It’s been a month now that my husband started his new job in Wichita, Kansas. Yes, Kansas, 9 hours away from where I am. It was a very long and hard decision between us both and in the end, it was for the best. Sometimes an opportunity comes that doesn’t wait long for you to jump on board. If you can’t decide, it disappears and you’ll always wonder “what if.”         Even though we had a life here in Minnesota, the south was calling our name and the simple life was begging us to return. The big city here was full of fun, friends and party that had us out and about most times. And the simple life of family time was telling us that it was time to return to our roots. So without a moment’s pause, we hopped on the train.         Even though he’s there and I’m here with the kids, it feels as if we are both together. When he left, he took a part of me and he left a piece o...

        When I married, I faced the same lectures every other Hmong girl did. “Be patient,” “Wake up early,” “Cook, clean and serve.” The same thing was told to me as I’m sure you were told as well. I listened and just wondered where I went wrong as a daughter. I felt as if my wedding day was a day to cut all ties with my family.         And so began the duty of being a Nyab. No more outings with friends, no more nice clothes, no more of anything that wasn’t approved. Your life was now chained to the kitchen and to cook, clean and serve…until death do you part.         But I’m not a submissive woman. I’m not the type to submit to other’s orders and rules of who I should be and succumb. I like dancing. I like filming. I like being out with friends. I like dressing nice. I’m a woman with dreams and hopes. I’m human after all and I desire just as others do.    ...

            November 8 th …I stared down at the double pink lines staring back at me and tears filled my eyes. Baby #7 was on its way to me and my husband. My heart fluttered with happiness and my hands immediately flew to my belly, cupping what would grow another precious life. I ran to the top of the stairs and shouted for my husband to come upstairs. I immediately go back to wait in the bathroom and when he enters the room, I hand him the news and say, “Merry Christmas Daddy.”             Cravings begin and I’m eating things I don’t usually do. I break the news to the children who are so happy and then I break the news on social media. I can’t wait to tell everyone that we’re going to be parents again. My heart is filled with love and I just can’t hold it back.             Then…I start to spot. I’m pushing it back...