Memories

 

Purple. It was my mother's favorite color. And perhaps because she loved it so much that it became mine. I grew up seeing her eyes flicker with life at a deep purple blouse. Her smile widened when she would receive a blouse with beautiful lavender floral prints. Purple was the most amazing hue on earth that could bring a smile to my mother's heart and soul. 

Those who knew my mother was often reminded of how she was always laughing and carried an honest smile. She never let pain become something that bothered her. I grew up watching her struggle with so many health problems from gall bladder stones to having emergency c-sections to a tumor forming in her head, taking away her mind.

Yet, purple was what she remembered. 

I remembered when I visited her during her months where her mind was gone. She had an emptiness in her eyes that gnawed at my heart and ate at me where I was so helpless. She'd look at me with a strange longing but yet never finding out the true reason. Yet, when I took her to the store, she'd reach for the color purple and looked at it with such loving care that I knew, my mother was still inside of her somewhere. Through her many trials of health problems, never did I once think she'd given up. Somewhere in a far away place, she was struggling to find her way back home. 

It's amazing how our minds can be taken away from us, yet a simple thing such as a favorite color, can bring a memory to surface. These days, when I look at the color purple, I am often reminded of how strong someone very close to me was. I am reminded to not give up when I am at an end. I am reminded that I can still succeed even if I come in second place. I am reminded that I matter. 

3 months after my mother died, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I knew right away what her name would be: Wysteria...purple. Sometimes, when I look closely at my daughter, I can find odd little things my own mother used to do. I woke one time to her looking at me the way my mother used to and I broke down. When I hug her, I am reminded of a certain embrace someone used hold me. I feel closer to her every day and as I struggle to find my place in this world, I am reminded that a place in this world is meant for me. 

Purple. It was my mother's favorite color. And perhaps because she loved it so much that it became mine.