Logans and Tears

It's been a few months since I last visited my parents gravesite. The last time I was there was to put my father into the ground next to my dear mother. This past weekend was the spiritual release for my father. I intended to go on Saturday to visit them, but after the spiritual release, the cemetery was closed. So after I left my brother's house, my family and I drove home, we stopped by to visit them. 

I drive into the cemetery and I almost can't recall the winding road to where their home is, but soon enough, I see it. I can see my mother's smiling face and inside my heart is breaking. I take the logan fruits out of the bag and walk out of the car. I walk across the grass, pass the many headstones, the fruits weighing heavy in my hands, even though they're light. I reach my parents' new home and my tears are already dripping down my face. I sink to my knees and I start bawling my eyes out. I can feel my husband's hand on the small of my back, and I'm heaving in and out, trying to catch my breath. I break the logan fruit apart and hand them each a couple, tearing the soft skin, letting the juice of the fresh fruit drip out. As I'm crying, my heart is literally breaking into two. 

I look up at my mother's face and I see her smile, the smile that no one on earth will ever possess. I lean my forehead against hers and speak out my pain of trying to find her in small things. I speak of my yearning for her and how much I've missed her. I tell her everything isn't the same and nothing will ever cure me of it. Then I move a few inches over and lay my hands on my father's grave. I tell him to find my mother, to give him some comfort and for him to be not be scared. I'm so grateful for their love and I can't thank them enough for all they've done.

As I kneel there, crying and pouring my heart out, I notice that a small spider has crawled across my mother's headstone and is now perched against the stone looking straight at me. I ignore it and continue to touch her face that has been chiseled into the stone. And then I notice that one of the spider's legs is lifting toward me. I stare at it and then my mother's eyes on the stone shine. She's there as I am speaking to her and my heart breaks more. She's here. I start to cry harder. I hug her one more time and I tell her that I'm going back home. I tell her I'll visit again soon. I tell her not to be scared. I tell my father to hold onto my mother for comfort and that I'll visit again soon. I notice that the spider is still perched there. My husband tells me it's time to go. We walk away and I turn back to look at them, smiling and timeless. I wait and see. As I walk away, I keep turning back around and when I get into my car, I sit inside and nothing happens. I remove my glasses to clean it and as I put it back on my face, I see it. A small light flares where they are standing and I know they've heard me.

Mom and Dad, you both are the better part of me. I will do all I can to uphold your legacy. I am your daughter and within me lies your blood and power. I promise that I will remember everything from beginning to end of all your reasons. I love you.