Mist & Fog 13: END

Thoughts of my mother surrounded my mind as I packed my last piece of clothing into the suitcase. Broderick was in the shower and I was cleaning up my things before we caught our flight back home. After last night’s love making, I still felt an empty hole burning in my heart. After I was sure he had gone to sleep, I spent the majority of the night crying my eyes out. My heart was heavy with the ache that I may never be able to form the same bond again with my mother. She’d given me a reason to not forgive her. She’d given me the truth last night and it had hurt more than the lie itself. I wasn’t prepared to face the hard fact that she’d never really wanted me or my father. She’d done what she did because it was something she thought she could get away with. Now, living the high life that she once knew again, she was happy while we, the ones who she created with her own lies, were paying for her mistake. I stopped to wipe my eyes when I heard the shower turn off. I zipped the bag and set it down on the ground when Broderick came out of the shower dressed in a pair of jeans and nothing else. Water was sparkling across his broad chest and down his flat belly. The muscles he wore on his body were so natural and so addicting to touch that I felt the need to run my fingers down them. And that’s exactly what I did. I crossed to him and laid my hands on his chest, feeling his heart beat underneath my palm. He took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles.

            “You ok?” he asked gently.

            Nodding, I replied, “I’ll be fine. I’ve finished packing.”

            “Pity; I’ve started to undress.”

            I looked up and saw his eyes sparkle with the heated glow that he always wore when he was turned on. He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. I ran my hands down his back and slipped them into the waistband of his jeans. As he inhaled an exotic breath, the phone rang in our room. He let out an annoyed sigh as I pulled away to answer it.

            “Hello.”

            “I’m down here. I want to talk to you before you leave,” my mother said.

            My throat tightened and I turned away from Broderick’s eyes. “There’s nothing left to say. You’ve said all you needed to say.”

            “No, please don’t push me away, dear. I’m here. At least come see me once before you leave. I’m…it took me all night to really work up the courage to come here. Please.”

            I felt Broderick’s hands on my shoulders and I shut my eyes. I let out a long breath and tears filled my eyes as I agreed. I put the receiver down and turned around to face him. He cupped my face and gave me a soft kiss. I swallowed, feeling the hurt already fill the waterworks in my eyes. He ran a thumb across my cheek and caught my tear.

            “You have to fix this, sweetheart. How can I have you here with me when your heart is nowhere near mine? I don’t want you to go through last night again. And I’m not talking about what happened between your mother and you. I’m talking about us; you crying in the dark.”

            I gasped lightly. “You…know?”

            He pulled me into his arms. “I knew and it killed every organ in me to hear you gasp and sob. But I knew you needed to let it out. It is painful for you, but I don’t want to go through our moments together without you. I need to know you’re going to be there when I wake. If it takes facing the ghost of your mother’s past, then please face it. I’m telling you now that I’m in love with you and no matter what, I won’t let you go.”

            I pulled away from him. I looked into his calm eyes and melted at the sight of him. “You’re in love with me?”

            Smiling, he touched my chin. “You don’t know? You’re like my savior, sweetheart. All through high school, I chased you down the halls and wondered if I would be able to have you in my arms. Then one day you emerged from the mist and fog and came back into my life. You shattered the silence in my world and gave me a reason to wake up. I want to see your beautiful face next to me when I first open my eyes in the morning. I love everything about you; the gentle way you touch me when you want me and the fierce way you make love to me when you need me. You have captured me with your smile and you’ve melted away the ice that grew around my heart. You’re the only one I want, now and forever. You drive me crazy and I get drunk on your kisses each time we kiss. I love you, Natasha. Most of all, I want to be the only one you think about when you sleep at night and if you were ever to leave me, I want to leave an imprint on you so deep that no other man will satisfy you again.”

            I felt my heart flutter as I listened to his words. My hands trembled as I reached up and touched his face. “No one has ever said anything like that to me before.”

            “That’s because I’m not like anyone. I’m the only one. Say it. I want to hear you say it.”

            I swallowed hard and closed the distance between us until we were locked together. I put my hand on his chest and rose up on my toes. “I love you.”

           

            I found my mother sitting in the lobby wearing a blue dress that made her skin appear like that of a China Doll’s. She looked refreshed and rested and inside I was glad even though I wasn’t fond of her at the moment. I felt shabby in my jeans and sweater next to her. She stood when I reached her and put her arms around me. The embrace made my heart ache and I started crying. She held me for a long time before she took my hand and led me outside to her limo so we could have some privacy. As we sat down, she closed the window separating us from her driver and took my hands.

            “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

            “Mom, I don’t know how we are to go from here, but I’d still like to try. Before I came down here, Broderick told me he loved me.”

            Her eyes lit up. “That’s wonderful, dear.”

            I started to cry. “It is and it has taken me a long time to let things go and to just live my life. After the assumed affair, after your divorce with Dad, it’s just…I’ve been so scared to live my life. But now, I want to start.”

            “Don’t let my mistakes make you hold your life, dear. If anything, I want you to live your life so you don’t end up like me. I may have been naïve in selecting my choices, but I don’t regret having you, Natasha. You have been the best thing in my life and I have loved you every single day of your life.”

            I bit back down the hurt. “But I wasn’t enough for you to stay. I suppose that’s what hurts.”

            She swallowed and tears came down her cheeks. “I’m sorry about that part. There’s nothing I can do about that now except hope that you will forgive me one day. And if you can’t, I’ll live with it. You’re not at fault. I want you to live your life with Broderick. Open up to him and let him love you. Don’t let my past close you off. But I ask one thing.”

            “What is it?”

            “Don’t close me off either. I know that you’re hurting but if you keep me closed off completely, I’m afraid I’ll slowly perish.”

            Nodding, I said, “I know and that’s why I’m fighting with myself to forgive you. I don’t want Broderick to pay for your sins. He’ll hate me in the end and I’ll end up alone.”

            “You’re so much smarter than I am. You’ll be just fine.”

            “Will I?”

            She smiled and touched my cheek. “Yes, dear, you will be just fine. Unlike me, you’re on the right path and won’t destroy anyone to get there. Be happy and set your heart free.”

            I felt the tears fall down my cheeks and I reached for her. “Thank you, Mom.”

            I wasn’t exactly free, but I was on my way there. The road to happiness really depended on you as a person and it taught me a lot that if I closed myself off, I would end up losing to life’s best moments. My mother and I were on a recovery road where I was learning to forgive her for her actions. Each time I spoke to my father, my heart still ached, but I was able to move beyond the hurt that she had done. Eventually, I would be able to wake up one day and breathe a breath of freedom. I was slowly working my way back to join the human race and I was liking it so far.

            My friends were a great help in helping me tune into life again. They were the laughter that kept me turning the pages of my life. Each night when we dined together, instead of listening to their stories, I had one to tell of my own. I never knew how uplifting it was to have a story to share and how amazed everyone was to hear my story. Life really is like an hourglass. It slowly winds down and at the end of the day you have to ask yourself what you’ve accomplished and if you’d done your deed well. For a long time, I wasn’t living. I was just passing through life in a human shell with eyes and ears. I heard and I saw, but I didn’t really understand. But now, as I stand facing the universe with eyes and ears opened, do I see that I’ve lost a huge portion of my life being scared. Fear will take a hold of you and slowly poison you until you became a mute and an invalid. It will cripple you slowly and leave you lifeless. For a long time, I was handicapped to fear. Until he came into my life did I realize how crippled I was.

            Broderick…Broderick…I woke up each day saying his name as he gave me pleasures that I couldn’t recover from. It left me tingling all day long and waiting to once again feel his touch. Never did I think that I would find a man who could turn his hands into velvet and make me melt like wax on a candle. I was reborn each time we made love and when I would breathe for the first time, he would whisper those three little words that made my toes tingled, “I love you.”

            Sure, in high school, I saw him as a geek, someone who wasn’t worth my time. But people change when they get older, sometimes for the better. For me, it wasn’t until I was reaching my 30’s that I saw him again. This time though, he wasn’t anywhere near a geek. He had morphed into a man who still kept the image of me burning in the back of his mind. To love for that long and to see me again at an age where gone were the ponytails and the cheerleading outfits, and to still feel the same heart pounding feeling, it was amazing to know.

            Each day when I woke, he was there, staring at me with those lovely passionate eyes and ready to make my day with his hands and lips. He gave me everything in life from kisses to hugs that were worth more than a diamond ring. But if I thought a diamond ring was far from his mind, I was very wrong. One night, I came home to find him on his knees in the middle of my kitchen floor. Around him were flowers and candles; he wore my favorite outfit, a pair of jeans with the top button left undone.

            “What is this?” I asked as I closed the door.

            “Don’t,” he said as I tried to walk forward. “Stay…right there.”

            Confused, I laughed. “Ok.”

            “I want to remember this moment…forever. This moment, as you walked into the room, innocent and full of life, I want to capture this moment and put it into a box for our kids to see. So that when one day they ask me, ‘How did my Mom look when you asked her to marry you?’ I can open up that box and relive that moment all over again.”

            Tears filled my eyes as he slowly stood up and came to me with a small black velvet box. He opened it and I stared into it. There was nothing there. I looked up at him and I cocked my head in confusion. He smiled and reached out to touch my cheek.

            “Um…you shouldn’t have?” I asked.

            He took my hands. “You don’t get anything until I hear the word.”

            I moved closer to him and batted my lashes. “And what word is that?”

            “You know exactly what that word is, sweetheart.”

            Smiling, I rose up on my toes and reached for his neck. “I love you. And yes, I do.”

            He reached into his pockets and brought out a ring. He slipped it on my ring finger and kissed my lips. “My savior from the mist and fog.”