Unanswered Questions

I was at my aunt's house for a night vigil gathering for the loss of her husband. There, her younger sister and I started talking about death and how it impacted our lives. There are questions we ask and then there is the silence we receive. I was explaining to her that it will continue to hurt no matter how much time has passed. You just learn to live a bit each day. It's the only way how we survive, learning to cope as the hours tick by.

Among the many discussions we had, the one thing that popped up was why? Why him? Why now? Why? Why? WHY?!!!! And I had told her about how when my own parents died, I spent countless hours asking the same question and I ended up with nothing but silence Through the hours, the days, the months and weeks ahead, I thought, I would get an answer as to why now, why here, why me. And the truth is, there is just no answer to life's unfairness. We are just stripped of it and left with tears and an aching heart.

I remembered the night my mother died. I remembered how all of my siblings with her two brothers were there, hoping she'd wake up and tell us she was ok. I wanted her to wake and say to me, "Me Maiv, koj tuaj lawm los?" And all I got was her ragged breathing and tears coming from her tightly closed eyes. I remembered how I had cried and begged for her to sit up and talk to me. And that last moment when she finally did open her eyes only to let a single tear fall, look me in the eyes, and fade. It hurts still so much. And then I watched my father die exactly the same way. Dressing him and calling out to hang on to life as much as he could, and that we didn't want to be orphans. But in the end, we became orphans, and cried on each other's shoulders.

Life has so many unanswered questions and it's not fair. Death is one of them. Sometimes you expect it and sometimes it takes your breath away. It leaves you gutted and open for the entire world to see. I have learned that no matter if the loved one was ill or not, death hurts no matter what. It leaves us feeling weak and lost for an eternity. Nothing can take it away and we can't ever make it go away. You just learn to take one day at a time.

Each day becomes a week and then a month goes by before the one year arrives. You can't believe it's been that long and you've not forgotten a thing. Holidays are forever changed; hearts are forever scarred; and life is forever broken. On the outside, you smile to others and on the inside, you're barely making it. You just learn to live a little because you know that you're not alone. Learning to start over is what we all have in common, no matter the color of our skin or where we are from.