Get Into Houa's Mind

I wished my children good night and descended down the stairs to spend the evening doing inventory and invoices in my small jewelry business. Everything was normal. I was living a daily sheltered life with the joy of finally being able to provide for my family again. Although the Covid 19 was still going around me, I took caution and kept myself positive.  Then the death of George Floyd filled my newsfeed and I was heartbroken for the community. It took a toll on all of us. Images of protestors filled my newsfeed and I understood why it was happening. Years of being hurt by being different because of the color of my skin, of where I came from, of what I looked like, I understood that. I knew the pain. I lived in before and as far as I can remember, I wasn't ever accepted because of how I looked.  And then...images of burning buildings, small businesses being robbed and destroyed flooded my newsfeed and my heart broke. I can understand the pain behind wanting to protes...

          Life works in many different ways. Often times, we will find that we will be very lonely and there isn’t anyone who may understand who we are. That path is often visited too often by me and I find that it gets exhausting. I am drained and my energy just goes out the door.           When my parents passed away, I thought to myself, how will I ever move on? How will I ever have the courage to walk tall and smile? Laughter itself seemed like it was a stranger to me. I didn’t know how to function because the two people who always took care of me were gone. It left inside me a deep hole that I didn’t know how to fill. And the bigger question was what do I fill that hole with?           I remember waking up after losing my mother and thinking, she will never be here when I visit again. I will never hear her voice. I will never get to hug he...

          Marriage…it ties a man and a woman together til death do us part. You find a dress, buy a ring, and say sacred vows in front of hundreds of people, promising to love each other until the end of time. But time hasn’t ended and your union already has.           I’ve met a lot of people through the years where I knew them when they were married as a couple and then I still know them as they become single parents. Whether it was through a mutual agreement to separate or one of them stepping out to have an affair…it hurts the same. The eyes never lie and the eyes can’t hold back the truth. It hurts.           I will admit this much…my husband and I were the cream of the crop when we were dating. Everyone who knew us said we were the “it” couple. We showered each other with love and we couldn’t get enough of each other. Then we got marrie...

            Let’s talk body. Let’s be real. I’m a thick woman. I’m a real woman. I’m a woman with curves and booty. I wear a size 10. I am not skinny. I am not fat. I am happy. Leave me alone.             Did you read and understand that? If you didn’t, read it again. My body is mine to accept and love. I love who I am and I am happy with what I see. I love my curves and I love my thighs that jiggle as I walk. I love who I am.             We grow up in a world where being skinny is plastered all over social media that it is the way you should be. I know many people who have lost weight and then suddenly lost themselves in the process. It’s sad, really, to see this happen. Lose weight for the right reason. Don’t lose weight to belong. Lose weight for you not for another.        ...

Koj Niam,             Muab xav npau twg los xav tsis tawm. Kuv tsis paub tias kuv yuam ke qhov twg es thiaj li ua rau koj lub siab mus nrhiav dua lwm tus. Kuv nco, kuv tsis tau ua dab tsi txhaum. Kuv lub siab, kuv lub neej, muaj koj tib leeg xwb. Hauv kuv lub neej, koj thiaj li yog tus kuv ntshaw.             Kuv thov koj os koj niam. Thov koj cheem koj lub siab tsis txhob mus. Txawv tias luag yuav muaj nyiaj dua, luag yuav zoo nraug dua, los luag tsis yog koj cov me nyuam txiv. Luag tsis yog koj tus me txiv nraug txha noog. Luag pom koj zoo hnub no, tag kis luag yuav mus pom lwm tus.             Txhua txhua hnub, kuv nim los saib hauv iav seb kuv ua qhov twg tsis zoo. Seb kuv pauv tau kuv tus kheej li cas, seb kuv yuav hloov li cas es thiaj li tau kuv tus zoo niam tsev rov los hauv kuv xub ntiag. Tab si, kuv yim...

Koj Txiv,           Xav tsis txog tias yuav muaj ib hnub kuv yuav los zaum sau tsab ntawv tu koj moo. Nim xav, nim tu siab, vim wb zaj keeb kwm pib puag thaum ntxov los. Kuv rau rau siab sau los zoo li koj yim muab lwm tag. Kuv lub zog ntshe yuav tsis muaj ntxiv los kho kom wb zaj dab neeg muaj qhov xaus kom zoo. Ces cia kuv tso koj hnub no mus es kuv lub siab thiaj li txawj kaj.           Txij li hnub kuv los ua koj tus niam tsev, kuv lub zog kuv muab los tu koj tsev neeg, los tu koj, los tu tej me nyuam, kuv muab tag nrho yam tsis khuv xim ib qhov. Nraub hnub, hmo ntuj, ntuj teb tag hmo, txawv kuv sab thiab nkees npaum twg, los kuv ua tiag uv los tu kom sawv daws tau zoo. Kuv yoo kuv txoj kev zoo ntau xyoo ua rau koj lub qhov muag saib kuv tsis zoo nkauj. Koj thiaj li muaj lub siab mus deev lwm leej lwm tus.           Hnub no, kuv los saib k...

The walls seem to hum alive with the lies we feed each other. No matter what time of day it is, I am never hungry because I feed myself full of your lies. Your emptiness kills me slowly and when I look in the mirror, I no longer recognize who I am. The woman I see is a stranger who happens to know me all too well. You’ve taken the good in me and you stole the light from me. Yet here I am still waiting.           The clock on the wall tells me that it’s past due the time you were supposed to be home. The house is not a house, but a prison that holds steel bars to keep me inside. I have lost my way and there are no footprints left for me to trace my way back home. Friends and families I used to love become a faded memory of what used to be good. You’ve taken the youth in me and you stole the best of me. Yet here I am still waiting.           My closet tells me that nothing fits anymore becau...