Whispers in the Dark

It's been two months since my life turned upside down; two months since I have been left feeling broken. In a way, I still am, trying to find where I left myself. Around my friends and families, I'm always smiling, joking, and working. But when I'm alone, the truth sinks in and it leaves a rancid taste in my mouth. I'm left feeling alone. I hate it because there's nothing no one can do about it. As much as I try, I'm still feeling an utter lost and bitterness about everything.

Among the whispers that I hear when the night falls, I keep hearing the last sound of my mother's heartbeat. I can hear it, thumping, inside of me, hammering against my rib cage, like an endless pounding. I feel it in my soul where it haunts me just like her single last tear drop. And I'm always stuck roaming, roaming to find peace in this ugly world. I have seen the ugliness and I hate it. I loathe how it makes me feel and there are times where I don't know what to do.

Death is so hard to accept. It's an endless pain and as much as I try to move on, I find I still can't. The wound is too freshly opened and if I try to forget, it's like rubbing salt in it. I have cried more than I ever have and I've never felt this alone before. Time heals, they say, but the truth is that, time is nothing but a reminder that pain exists. I can't figure out how people say time heals when in fact, it doesn't. It never has.

Mom, I know you're happy and free, no more in pain, but I'm in pain from not having you around. I want you to know that I'm working on a script with a wonderful woman named Diana, and I'm dedicating it to you. In it, it's everything I feel about losing you. I've cried while writing it and I know that when she's done filming it, I'll cry even more. She also lost her mother to cancer and we're coming together to write a story about healing. I hope that you will see the work wherever you are and smile. I miss your smile the most. I long to hear you laugh again. Your laugh is one of the most incredible things on earth. It can heal my pain and I wish that I can hear it now. I am longing for it. You've always taught me to laugh and forgive. I'm trying, Mom, I really am. It's never easy. But I am trying.