A Hmong Daughter
Ua siab ntev, right? That's the term we hear all our lives as we are growing up as Hmong daughters. We're taught to ua siab ntev when our husbands cheat; we're told to ua siab ntev when our in-laws don't respect us; we're supposed to ua siab ntev no matter what circumstances we are involved in. Because a Hmong daughter is just supposed to "ua siab ntev."
Man, I can't begin to tell you how many times I told myself to "ua siab ntev." It was like a mantra, I repeated over and over in my head. Just ua siab ntev and you'll live. Ua siab ntev never killed anyone. Ua siab ntev never made anyone think any less of you.
But the problem is that we daughters growing up in western society today don't want to ua siab ntev. What has ua siab ntev done for us? It has never given us the things we always wanted in terms of relationships. We have ua siab ntev when our husbands cheat over and over and even while we bring them to our elders to lecture, they still say ua siab ntev. But when we find happiness in the arms of another, our husbands are told to "nrauj pov tseg mam yuav dua tshiab tsis lig." How is this right?
Being a Hmong daughter is the hardest thing in the world. You are expected to be everything and you must obey in utter silence. If you raise your voice, you're not worthy as a Nyab. If you don't raise your voice, you're not worthy as a Nyab. When can I just live and be me without the world belittling me with everything I do or don't do?
A few years ago, I did everything I thought a Nyab should do. I was there at the crack of dawn and I was the last to leave. What did it get me? I gained 100 pounds, I was depressed, I was infertile, and I was a complete mess. I was severely unhappy. What changed all that? When I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was. I stopped trying to please everyone. I stopped being the perfect Nyab and I threw the ua siab ntev phrase out the door! I did not care if people talked about me because they would talk about me nonetheless. I stopped catering to people and I focused on me. Only then did I finally emerge out of this shell and knew what happiness was.
I had a long discussion with myself. I knew that if I was to turn the table around, people would end up ditching me. But I soon learned that I needed to ditch the negative first. And then I began to cut people out of my life. And as I started to grow, I lost those who never believed in me in the first place and I gained a world of people who never gave up on me. Only then did I realize how clouded my mind was. Only then did I learn who my true enemies were and who was really standing next to me because they wanted to see me succeed.
Being a Hmong daughter is a blessing and a curse I feel. But I've learned to overcome the curse. I learned that I must carry on the heritage my parents instilled in me with a new western twist. Yes, I married young. I have six kids like any Hmong woman. I am a niam tab cuab. I am a daughter. I am a working woman. I am everything I ever wanted to be and I don't want to change how I got there. I am ok with the loss of negative people in my life. I am ok with the few friends I do have. I am ok saying I'm tired and need a break. I am ok knowing I can't always give more than I take. I am ok knowing that I did all I could. I am ok being just me.
Man, I can't begin to tell you how many times I told myself to "ua siab ntev." It was like a mantra, I repeated over and over in my head. Just ua siab ntev and you'll live. Ua siab ntev never killed anyone. Ua siab ntev never made anyone think any less of you.
But the problem is that we daughters growing up in western society today don't want to ua siab ntev. What has ua siab ntev done for us? It has never given us the things we always wanted in terms of relationships. We have ua siab ntev when our husbands cheat over and over and even while we bring them to our elders to lecture, they still say ua siab ntev. But when we find happiness in the arms of another, our husbands are told to "nrauj pov tseg mam yuav dua tshiab tsis lig." How is this right?
Being a Hmong daughter is the hardest thing in the world. You are expected to be everything and you must obey in utter silence. If you raise your voice, you're not worthy as a Nyab. If you don't raise your voice, you're not worthy as a Nyab. When can I just live and be me without the world belittling me with everything I do or don't do?
A few years ago, I did everything I thought a Nyab should do. I was there at the crack of dawn and I was the last to leave. What did it get me? I gained 100 pounds, I was depressed, I was infertile, and I was a complete mess. I was severely unhappy. What changed all that? When I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was. I stopped trying to please everyone. I stopped being the perfect Nyab and I threw the ua siab ntev phrase out the door! I did not care if people talked about me because they would talk about me nonetheless. I stopped catering to people and I focused on me. Only then did I finally emerge out of this shell and knew what happiness was.
I had a long discussion with myself. I knew that if I was to turn the table around, people would end up ditching me. But I soon learned that I needed to ditch the negative first. And then I began to cut people out of my life. And as I started to grow, I lost those who never believed in me in the first place and I gained a world of people who never gave up on me. Only then did I realize how clouded my mind was. Only then did I learn who my true enemies were and who was really standing next to me because they wanted to see me succeed.
Being a Hmong daughter is a blessing and a curse I feel. But I've learned to overcome the curse. I learned that I must carry on the heritage my parents instilled in me with a new western twist. Yes, I married young. I have six kids like any Hmong woman. I am a niam tab cuab. I am a daughter. I am a working woman. I am everything I ever wanted to be and I don't want to change how I got there. I am ok with the loss of negative people in my life. I am ok with the few friends I do have. I am ok saying I'm tired and need a break. I am ok knowing I can't always give more than I take. I am ok knowing that I did all I could. I am ok being just me.
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