Get Into Houa's Mind

  Today, January 8th, is a heavy day in my world. I found out that a very close aunt of mine passed away. She was like a mother to me and embraced me openly with welcoming arms when I married my husband. It has saddened me so much and my heart is left open with an emptiness that I cannot find a way to fill up. Losing her feels like losing my mother all over again.  23 years ago, I married into this family and she welcomed me so warmly that I never questioned her love. She always had a smile, laughed at my jokes and was present in all I did. Over the years, we grew so much closer when we went on retreats of the Vang family together. There, I saw her not as an aunt, a grandma, but as a woman, who loved, cried and hurt. She showed me what it was like to lose a husband at such a young age, to fight in a community where a woman without a husband was deemed unworthy and how much she truly loved her children to remain their mother for all their lives. I will never forget how she spok...

  Them: A woman should follow orders and not have a mind of her own. Her voice should never be louder than her husband's. A woman should only speak when spoken to and remain compliant in all that she is.  Me: A woman should follow her heart and have her mind as a way to keep her sane. Her voice should be as equal as her husband's. A woman should only speak her heart and never lie to herself and remain confident in all that she is.  Them: A woman should give up her dreams to support her husband. She should remain bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen where her job is to cook, clean and serve her family. Her purpose is to bare children and bless her husband with her love without question.  Me: A woman should give her husband support and dream at the same time to reach her goal. She should remain in heels and pregnant by choice in the house where her job is to give nutrition, blessings and grow her family. Her purpose is to create life with her husband and bless him wit...

  Purple. It was my mother's favorite color. And perhaps because she loved it so much that it became mine. I grew up seeing her eyes flicker with life at a deep purple blouse. Her smile widened when she would receive a blouse with beautiful lavender floral prints. Purple was the most amazing hue on earth that could bring a smile to my mother's heart and soul.  Those who knew my mother was often reminded of how she was always laughing and carried an honest smile. She never let pain become something that bothered her. I grew up watching her struggle with so many health problems from gall bladder stones to having emergency c-sections to a tumor forming in her head, taking away her mind. Yet, purple was what she remembered.  I remembered when I visited her during her months where her mind was gone. She had an emptiness in her eyes that gnawed at my heart and ate at me where I was so helpless. She'd look at me with a strange longing but yet never finding out the true reason. Y...

  Kuv niam, kuv txiv, lub me xyoo tshiab nim tawm plaws es pom luag tej nim muaj niam muaj txiv hu plig peb caug tshiab es kuv nim ntsuag ntsuag nos. Pom luag tej nim pub ib leeg ib lub qe rau tej tub tej kis, es kuv txhais tes nim tsis muaj dab tsi, qhuas li tos. Hauv kuv lub siab es quaj twj ywm tias ntshe lub npe niam thiab txiv es yuav ploj nrhees mus lawm ib sim. Kuv niam, kuv txiv, lub me xyoo tshiab nim tawm plaws es pom luag hnav tshiab li kiv, es luag nim ci tsa iab mus pov pob luag li ntxhi. Es kuv tsis muaj daim tshiab hnav phim luag es kuv nim txaj txaj muag mus nrog luag ua ke. Mus txog twg los luag lub suab luag nrov seev li tos es kuv lub suab nyiav yuav nrov toob ntuj.  Kuv niam, kuv txiv, luag hais tias niam thiab txiv tuag ces vaj tsev ntuag, luag hais tias niam txiv tuag ces yuav quaj ntshav kua muag. Es zaum no, ntshe yog kuv os, kuv niam, kuv txiv. Yuav pom ib tug lub suab zoo li neb los yuav nco yuav seev. Yuav xav kom thaum tig los es yog neb los ntshe t...

  Kuv Niam, Koj ib leej ntxhais, hnub no, paub kiag lawm tias kev tu siab zoo li cas. Cas thaum tseem yog koj tus me ntxhais es, nim tsis paub quaj, tsis paub tu siab, nim noj mov nrog lub suab luag. Es nim no, nqos ib dia mov es nqos ib lub kua muag. Tsis muaj chaw mus tham qhia leej twg li os, kuv niam.  Yus txoj kev sawv mus ua Nyab es nim tsis zoo li lub siab xav. Lub suab tsis muaj ib lo lus zoo hais los luag cem tias niag Nyab tswv yim tsawg. Lub suab muaj hais los luag cem tias niag Nyab khav theeb. Xav caum yus txoj kev npau suav los luag cem tias ua Nyab caum tej kev npau suav yog mus tham hluas nraug.  Hnub kuv sawv kev ntawm kuv txiv neb los mus ua nkauj Nyab, es kuv lub siab nim quaj twj ywm tias zaum no, kuv yog tus qhuas lawm. Hnub twg tuaj txog ces koj yuav kom kuv rov mus tsev vim kuv tsis yog koj dab koj qhuas lawm. Hnub twg kuv chim siab hu tuaj nrog koj tham los luag yuav cem tias kuv thaug xaiv. Hnub twg kuv muaj kev zoo siab hu tuaj qhia koj los luag ...

Quarantine. Since the beginning of 2020, we've been fighting an invisible virus that has taken so much of the loved ones in our lives. You are not alone when you mourn lost loved ones. Each day, when I open up my social media platforms and I see a "RIP," my heart breaks. This year has been an eye changing year for so many of us and yet, we haven't learned anything.  I have family members who work in the health care fields and they're pleading with their upmost heart felt cries to STAY AT HOME. Hospital beds are filling up fast and when you walk in because you cannot breathe, you won't be treated right away. Beds that are meant for other patients are being taken over by covid patients. It is a frightening time in the world.  I see social platforms as you do and there are those who party like nothing has changed. Each time I am looking across my newsfeed, I am met with their photos of gatherings of more than 10 and enjoying social gatherings like no one is dying...

  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv tsis nkag siab yam koj hais rau kuv. Kuv yog koj tub, koj yog kuv txiv, tiam si, txhua yam koj hais tawm tej zaum kuv lub siab twb yuav tsis tau tag nrho. Thov koj tus ua txiv, tau taub tias kuv yeej xav ua kom koj zoo siab tshaj plaws, tiam si, vim kuv muaj kuv siab kuv ntsws, kuv yuam tsis tau tag nrho kom tau raws li koj siab nyiam.  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv tsis nyiam yam koj nyiam mog. Kuv yog koj tub, koj yog kuv txiv, tiam si, wb nyias muaj nyias kev nyiam. Koj txoj kev hauv neej yog dab qhuas kab lig kev cai, ho kuv li yog mus raws lub suab nkauj. Txawm koj tsis pom yam kuv nyiam, thov koj tsis txhob thuam tias kuv ruam yuav tsis tau noj.  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv loj hlob tsis xav tau yuav poj yuav sev. Vim kuv lub siab tsis tau pom tus kuv nyiam kuv hlub, ces kuv yuam tsis tau kuv lub cev lub siab mus hlub tus koj lub qhov muag pom zoo. Yog kuv yuav xais nws ua kuv tus tab zag, yuav yog wb txawj sib hlub, yog ts...