Get Into Houa's Mind

  Niam lub plab nqa tub kis tau cuaj lub hli, yug ntshav liab vog, puag loos rau lub xub ntiag, txhais me tes phlws taub hau, ntshai tsam tshaib plab. Niam muab lub me tsho los qhwv lub me cev mos liab. Niam lub me suab lus qhees kom txhob quaj es niam mam li hlub.   Txiv lub xwb pwg yog me tub kis qhov chaw zaum pom lub ntiaj teb dav zoo nkauj. Thaum leej txiv nqa loos, leej tub leej kis lub suab luag nim nrhov seev li yees rau leej txiv lub ntsej hnov. Txiv sab tes tuav khov kom txhob ntog kom tsuas muaj sawv khov kho loj hlob xwb.   Tub kis khaub ntxhais loj zuj zus tuaj leej niam leej txiv laus lawm tiag. Ib hnub dhau mus, ib txoj plaub haus dawb zog, ib hli dhau tag, lub cev tsis zoo li qub. Ib xyoo tag mus leej niam leej txiv lub ntsej lub muag hlov yam cuag dag. Tos paub, ces leej   niam leej txiv los ua tub ua kis es tej me nyuam yuav tau los tu los hlub.   Niam thiab txiv tu tau me nyuam loj hlob tab si me nyuam tu tsis tau leej niam leej tx...

          “You don’t have to believe in anything I say, Robert. But the truth has always been there. I never hid anything from you. I’m an open book,” Daniella Rubard said as she began stuffing polka dotted blouses into her suitcase. The bed was littered with a mixture of colored clothing and upturned shoes. The ray of the afternoon sun was pouring into their small stuffy one-bedroom apartment and Robert Rubard stood there watching as his wife of 16 years continued packing. He was at a loss of words; nothing could be said how he felt at this moment. There was an emptiness in his heart that seemed to swallow him up by the minute and he was drowning. Yet, no tears came to him and he stood frigid, afraid to speak, to move.           Daniella looked up and a lock of brown hair fell over her eye. She shoved it back and let out a long-exhausted sigh. “Can you say something, so I know you’re hearing me?”    ...

  I woke up Sunday morning recovering from a night of restless contractions. I'm thinking to myself...is today the day? I'm 39 weeks and as much as I love the pregnant belly, the glow and the kicks from inside, I'm ready to hold him. Throughout the day, I'm feeling contractions every other hour and just feeling a little restless. My last appointment, my midwife checked me and I was dilated to 2 at 80% effaced. We talked about options available to me. She'd asked me if I was ok with being induced if labor hadn't kicked in by the following week. She'd mentioned how she only offered this to patients who had a very favorable cervix. I could also wait and see if anything happened on its own. I told her I didn't mind being induced or waiting to see what would happen. Both options were good in my opinion.  Throughout the day, I cleaned (nesting stage) did some jewelry work and then around 1pm I had my zoom meeting with my team. When I finished the meeting, I ca...

  All my life, I've always felt oddly out of place, like I don't quite belong. I was a loner in school. I didn't have many friends and most people didn't like me. I was afraid of being judged so I kept to myself. I walked down the hallways alone and seldom had people to hang out with. The people who did know me and hung out with me were my cousins.  I remember someone asking me once, "How many friends do you have?" I began counting my cousins, nieces and sisters. They stopped me halfway and said, "No, no, no. Those are family. I'm asking about friends." I realized I had none.  And then I met someone, someone amazing, someone who understood me without me having to say anything. Someone who could just read my mind and know instantly what it is like to be me. Someone who loved me for all I am and accepted all that I was.  My husband.  He became my best friend. He heard all my stories, wiped my tears and nurtured my soul back to life. He took all tha...

  Lub ntiaj teb no loj thiab dav heev uas rau kuv txoj kev ntshai loj tshaj qhov kuv lees tau. Txhua hnub thaum lub hnub tawm tuaj, kuv sawv los xav tias hnub no rov yuav pib dua tshiab. Es kuv yuav ua qhov twg kom txawv nag hmo lub neej thiaj li yuav sawv? Tab si, yam kuv paub tias kuv yuav ua tsis tau ces yog kuv yuav nrhiav kuv niam hneev taw npaum twg los ntshe tus dej hiav txwv twb muab tshoob mus ua av tag. Es kuv yuav mus nrhiav kuv niam tus hneev taw qhov twg?  Sij hawm khiav ceev heev, zoo yam ib tug tub sab los nyiag caij nyiag nyoog mus ua nws tug es tseg qhov tsaus ntuj rau koj. Kev quaj ntsuag ces tsis muaj leej twg khiav dhau li es sij hawm yog tus thiaj qhia tau tias ntiaj teb twb tig lawm mus pes tsawg zaus. Ua ib sim neej nyob, yus niam tus ntxhiab nim ploj kiag mus lawm yam tej hneev taw ua dej muab tshoob mus, tsis tseg ib yam dab tsi rau yus nco.  Thaum leej niam yug tau yus los ntshav liab vog es leej niam nim muab txhais npab los puag rub yus rau hau...

  Morning is a time where your body is beginning to wake, to jolt with energy as the sun comes through the blinds, allowing the rays of the sun to kiss your body. For some, morning is a time to reflect, to open up their hearts and minds, to allow peace to penetrate their bodies. The smell of infant fragrance lying beside them to remind them of innocence. The warm blankets of a night spent together wrapped together like vine. Morning is a time where your mind is beginning to form thoughts of what to do for the day and how to accomplish it.  I love mornings.  But what I love most are morning prayers. Have you ever said a morning prayer? Perhaps you might recognize it if I were to flip the vocabulary and say meditation? Those are the best things to do to begin your days right. To be healthy in mind, body and soul as you piece together your mind with your beating heart to begin anew.  I love mornings. But what I love most are morning reflections of yesterday's lesson. Ha...

  Do you see ghosts? That's one of the first of many questions I am asked when people seek answers to shamans. One of the many horrors people think we carry on our backs is the ability to see ghosts.  I will tell you...NOT ALL DO.  Everyone's ability is different. Some do see physical forms, others see blurry shadows, others are completely blind to it. Some hear voices while others hear nothing. Some communicate freely and openly while others can't.  What has led to this belief? Perhaps the growing up in a household where it is used to put children to bed. Like the old tale of "monsters in the closet," and the story gets twisted and changed over time. By the time it gets back to its original owner, the true writer no longer recognizes the truth. It's been edited so much that it is now just another story added to the dust.  Our gifts are special and unique. Everyone is not the same and if you ask one shaman, they'll tell you something different from another...

  Today, January 8th, is a heavy day in my world. I found out that a very close aunt of mine passed away. She was like a mother to me and embraced me openly with welcoming arms when I married my husband. It has saddened me so much and my heart is left open with an emptiness that I cannot find a way to fill up. Losing her feels like losing my mother all over again.  23 years ago, I married into this family and she welcomed me so warmly that I never questioned her love. She always had a smile, laughed at my jokes and was present in all I did. Over the years, we grew so much closer when we went on retreats of the Vang family together. There, I saw her not as an aunt, a grandma, but as a woman, who loved, cried and hurt. She showed me what it was like to lose a husband at such a young age, to fight in a community where a woman without a husband was deemed unworthy and how much she truly loved her children to remain their mother for all their lives. I will never forget how she spok...

  Them: A woman should follow orders and not have a mind of her own. Her voice should never be louder than her husband's. A woman should only speak when spoken to and remain compliant in all that she is.  Me: A woman should follow her heart and have her mind as a way to keep her sane. Her voice should be as equal as her husband's. A woman should only speak her heart and never lie to herself and remain confident in all that she is.  Them: A woman should give up her dreams to support her husband. She should remain bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen where her job is to cook, clean and serve her family. Her purpose is to bare children and bless her husband with her love without question.  Me: A woman should give her husband support and dream at the same time to reach her goal. She should remain in heels and pregnant by choice in the house where her job is to give nutrition, blessings and grow her family. Her purpose is to create life with her husband and bless him wit...

  Purple. It was my mother's favorite color. And perhaps because she loved it so much that it became mine. I grew up seeing her eyes flicker with life at a deep purple blouse. Her smile widened when she would receive a blouse with beautiful lavender floral prints. Purple was the most amazing hue on earth that could bring a smile to my mother's heart and soul.  Those who knew my mother was often reminded of how she was always laughing and carried an honest smile. She never let pain become something that bothered her. I grew up watching her struggle with so many health problems from gall bladder stones to having emergency c-sections to a tumor forming in her head, taking away her mind. Yet, purple was what she remembered.  I remembered when I visited her during her months where her mind was gone. She had an emptiness in her eyes that gnawed at my heart and ate at me where I was so helpless. She'd look at me with a strange longing but yet never finding out the true reason. Y...

  Kuv niam, kuv txiv, lub me xyoo tshiab nim tawm plaws es pom luag tej nim muaj niam muaj txiv hu plig peb caug tshiab es kuv nim ntsuag ntsuag nos. Pom luag tej nim pub ib leeg ib lub qe rau tej tub tej kis, es kuv txhais tes nim tsis muaj dab tsi, qhuas li tos. Hauv kuv lub siab es quaj twj ywm tias ntshe lub npe niam thiab txiv es yuav ploj nrhees mus lawm ib sim. Kuv niam, kuv txiv, lub me xyoo tshiab nim tawm plaws es pom luag hnav tshiab li kiv, es luag nim ci tsa iab mus pov pob luag li ntxhi. Es kuv tsis muaj daim tshiab hnav phim luag es kuv nim txaj txaj muag mus nrog luag ua ke. Mus txog twg los luag lub suab luag nrov seev li tos es kuv lub suab nyiav yuav nrov toob ntuj.  Kuv niam, kuv txiv, luag hais tias niam thiab txiv tuag ces vaj tsev ntuag, luag hais tias niam txiv tuag ces yuav quaj ntshav kua muag. Es zaum no, ntshe yog kuv os, kuv niam, kuv txiv. Yuav pom ib tug lub suab zoo li neb los yuav nco yuav seev. Yuav xav kom thaum tig los es yog neb los ntshe t...

  Kuv Niam, Koj ib leej ntxhais, hnub no, paub kiag lawm tias kev tu siab zoo li cas. Cas thaum tseem yog koj tus me ntxhais es, nim tsis paub quaj, tsis paub tu siab, nim noj mov nrog lub suab luag. Es nim no, nqos ib dia mov es nqos ib lub kua muag. Tsis muaj chaw mus tham qhia leej twg li os, kuv niam.  Yus txoj kev sawv mus ua Nyab es nim tsis zoo li lub siab xav. Lub suab tsis muaj ib lo lus zoo hais los luag cem tias niag Nyab tswv yim tsawg. Lub suab muaj hais los luag cem tias niag Nyab khav theeb. Xav caum yus txoj kev npau suav los luag cem tias ua Nyab caum tej kev npau suav yog mus tham hluas nraug.  Hnub kuv sawv kev ntawm kuv txiv neb los mus ua nkauj Nyab, es kuv lub siab nim quaj twj ywm tias zaum no, kuv yog tus qhuas lawm. Hnub twg tuaj txog ces koj yuav kom kuv rov mus tsev vim kuv tsis yog koj dab koj qhuas lawm. Hnub twg kuv chim siab hu tuaj nrog koj tham los luag yuav cem tias kuv thaug xaiv. Hnub twg kuv muaj kev zoo siab hu tuaj qhia koj los luag ...

Quarantine. Since the beginning of 2020, we've been fighting an invisible virus that has taken so much of the loved ones in our lives. You are not alone when you mourn lost loved ones. Each day, when I open up my social media platforms and I see a "RIP," my heart breaks. This year has been an eye changing year for so many of us and yet, we haven't learned anything.  I have family members who work in the health care fields and they're pleading with their upmost heart felt cries to STAY AT HOME. Hospital beds are filling up fast and when you walk in because you cannot breathe, you won't be treated right away. Beds that are meant for other patients are being taken over by covid patients. It is a frightening time in the world.  I see social platforms as you do and there are those who party like nothing has changed. Each time I am looking across my newsfeed, I am met with their photos of gatherings of more than 10 and enjoying social gatherings like no one is dying...

  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv tsis nkag siab yam koj hais rau kuv. Kuv yog koj tub, koj yog kuv txiv, tiam si, txhua yam koj hais tawm tej zaum kuv lub siab twb yuav tsis tau tag nrho. Thov koj tus ua txiv, tau taub tias kuv yeej xav ua kom koj zoo siab tshaj plaws, tiam si, vim kuv muaj kuv siab kuv ntsws, kuv yuam tsis tau tag nrho kom tau raws li koj siab nyiam.  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv tsis nyiam yam koj nyiam mog. Kuv yog koj tub, koj yog kuv txiv, tiam si, wb nyias muaj nyias kev nyiam. Koj txoj kev hauv neej yog dab qhuas kab lig kev cai, ho kuv li yog mus raws lub suab nkauj. Txawm koj tsis pom yam kuv nyiam, thov koj tsis txhob thuam tias kuv ruam yuav tsis tau noj.  Ua siab ntev kuv txiv, thaum kuv loj hlob tsis xav tau yuav poj yuav sev. Vim kuv lub siab tsis tau pom tus kuv nyiam kuv hlub, ces kuv yuam tsis tau kuv lub cev lub siab mus hlub tus koj lub qhov muag pom zoo. Yog kuv yuav xais nws ua kuv tus tab zag, yuav yog wb txawj sib hlub, yog ts...

  It's raining today...outside of my window, I can see the white picket fence of my neighbor's and a squirrel is sitting there, dangling its tail, staring at me. I know winter is coming and so does he. He's preparing for the long winter and collecting what he needs; smart guy. Beyond the neighbor's house is the lush mountain that a week ago was all green and today is looking a mixture of crimson and orange, a flush of beautiful colors announcing the arrival of Autumn and to prove its season is here, scattered on the dying grass are leaves from the trees, reminding me to let go.  This is my new life in a brand new place in a brand new world in a brand new state. I drove the 16 hours with my husband 1,000 miles across the country to a small town called Williamsport, where it is known for lumber and a place where neighbors yell out at you, "Holler if ya'll need me!" I am home. I often wonder why it took me this long to be here.  This new chapter of my life co...

  Los mloog kuv hais...los kawm ntawm kuv...los nyeem kuv lub neej... Nej puas paub yam dab tsi mob siab tshaj plaws? Nej puas paub yam dab tsi tua tau koj ua ntej kev mob kev nkeeg? Qhov ntawm yog kev tu siab, kev khuv xim...rau yus tus kheej, rau yus txoj kev txhaum. Thaum, kuv yeej muaj ib tug tab zag zoo tshaj plaws nrog kuv, muaj lub suab luag nrog luag tej, muaj ib txoj kev zoo siab zoo tshaj luag li. Tiam si, kuv lub qhov muag yuam ke deb heev. Kuv ntshaw kom lub neej zoo, ntshaw kom caum kom cuag luag tej, ntshaw kom kuv muaj ib yam li luag. Kuv rau siab mus khws, rau siab mus caum kom tau kuv tus npau suav. Txhua txhua hnub, txhua txhua hmo, kuv mus tshoo tuag nthi tom hauj lwm, kom tau ib pob nyiaj los ua kuv lub neej kom zoo.  Kuv niaj hnub niaj hmo mus khws, tsis nco qab tias muaj ib tug neeg tseeb ceeb tshaj plaws nyob ntawm kuv ib sab uas kuv muab feeb hlov cia yam nws tsis txawj ntshaw kuv lub xub ntiag, yam kuv tsis nco tias kuv cia nws yoo kuv txoj kev hlub. N...

When my mother lay on her deathbed, she said to me, "Forgive...even in the absence of an apology. You may wonder why I have always been a happy person despite so many people who look down on me. I am happy because I forgive. And so should you." Today, I am beginning a new chapter of in my book of life. It is a chapter that has been heavy because it is filled with hurt and lies...from others. I realized that no matter how far I may go in life, to the person who does not support or love me, they will always see me as someone below them and hate me silently.  That is ok.  My journey in my life is mine alone. If they are to hate me silently, let them hate me silently. Because it does not prevent me from continuing to do all I can do.  We often tread lightly on this subject of forgiveness because most times it involves family members. But today I will tell you that if you continue to hold on to the expectation of an apology, you will find that it will never come. When my mothe...

Thawg zaug kuv ntsib Paj Zaub, kuv lub siab hloov tag ib puas tsam yam. Txij li kuv nco tau, tsis tau pom ib tug poj niam yuav txawj los deev kuv siab li nws deev. Thaum nws luag ntxhi, kuv lub plaws yuav nres. Thaum nws hais lus, kuv saib ntsoov nws daim dis ncauj. Kuv vwm tag. Kuv xav xav paub...tus nws hlub puas yog kuv? Thaum Paj Zaub niam tso nws tseg, es nws quaj yam tu siab nrho hauv kuv xub ntiag, kuv lub ncauj hais tsis tau ib lo lus los pab nws daws kev chim. Kuv tsis tau paub dua tias thaum zoo li no yuav ua cas thiaj li yuav pab tau nws. Kuv sab npab los ua nws chaw so siab thaum nws lub kua muag poob. Kuv xav xav paub...tus nws hlub puas yog kuv?  Thaum Paj Zaub tej phooj ywg tuaj nrog nws ua si ua ke, kuv saib tsis dhuav nws lub me ntsej muag. Thaum nws nrog kuv, nws yog nws ib tug. Tab si, thaum nws nrog lawv, nws txhawv lawm thiab. Kuv tau hnov nws lub suab luag ua rau kuv zoo siab tshaj plaws li. Ua txiv neej ces, xav hnov tus poj niam lub suab luag txhua ...

Lift off...the rush to the other side. As soon as I am there, I can feel a rush of calm and I know I've succeeded. I know where I am. I know what I am dealing with. My guides are never far from me and they make me understand that I must fully embrace what is about to happen.  I become...the entity, a possessed, lost and angry spirit searching for a host to thrive on. I speak in slow, disturbed verses with inhuman sound and I reek of death.  I become...the savior, a pure unified being with a sword made from iron and a white horse with wings. I speak in ancient dialect with veiled magic and I am full of life.  I become...the lost, a broken, fragile misplaced soul searching for the footprints to return home. I speak of tears, of pain, of guilt and of hurt. I am empty.  Return...return home, warrior. Ride the white horse, gather your sword and be invisible as you travel. Cross the threshold of life and don't let the dead claim what is rightfully not theirs....

Lub ntuj lub qhov muag tsis pom tias kuv lub siab quaj txhua hmo. Txhij li hnub kuv los ua koj tus niam tsev, lub neej tsis zoo li siab xav. Muab xav los cas tsis tsim nyog qhov kuv tsis mloog kuv niam lus hais. Kuv xav tias vim koj yog txiv neej es koj ib leeg thiaj li hlub tau kuv xwb. Es kuv niam thiab kuv txiv hais los, kuv lag ntseg dim muag txhua yam. Tom qab kuv qhov muag pom ke, kuv mam paub tias koj lub siab tsis yog li kuv xav. Ces cia wb muab tso tseg txhij li no. Kuv yoo koj lub xwb ntiaj txhua hmo, tsis pom qab mus qhia leej twg. Kuv nrhiav txoj hauv kev twg los zoo li tsis muaj ib txoj kev yuav pab tau kom koj tig rov hlub kuv. Tej lus koj hais yam tag los dua twg lawm? Puas yog kuv muab nqos noj ua kev lwj siab xwb? Es koj nim nqa koj lub siab mus hlub kiag lwm tus kom kuv mob siab kom kuv khib. Kuv saib hauv iav, kuv tsis paub kuv yog leej twg. Tus neeg kuv pom zoo li ib tug tub sab los nyiag tau kuv  mus. Kuv cim tsis tau xyov tus neeg kuv niam ku...